Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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