remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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