did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
