You just made me feel so damn special
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
