If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
