Kareoke will never be a sober sport
are you so shy because you have an std?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
