Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
