piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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