Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
