does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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