Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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