He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
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I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
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I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.