How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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