I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
