3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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