'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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