The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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