My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
