I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
