Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
