he thought i was a dude.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
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