Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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