You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
