I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
