I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
