He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Randomize
