Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
