Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
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