At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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