dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
