I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
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I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
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I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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