I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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