There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
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All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I will be naked everywhere
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
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It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
we should paint friendship bongs
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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