Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Randomize
