I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
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