My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
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