My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
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You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
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I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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