Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
