happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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