guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Randomize
