I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.