Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?