My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
