they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I have fence marks all over my body
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
