three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Randomize
