So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Who did Billy Mays play for?
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
