So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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