my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize
