I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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