I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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