i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
