It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
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