Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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