I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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