I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Randomize
